One of the buzz words that I have noticed floating around and between homeschooling mothers is “submission”. The idea of Biblical submission of a wife to her husband within the confines of a homeschooling home. While I am not going to discuss the truth or myths behind Biblical submission because I think that is one of those ideas that makes Christian people go a little crazy: you either shout one way or the other and sometimes the shouting turns into scratching out eyes.
I do want to discuss an element that can be missing in our marriage and home that negates any form of submission no matter what you believe about that word.
BECAUSE I can submit to my husband’s authority: shut my mouth, go his way, allow him to lead our home, etc. – while missing a very important part of what it means to be a woman of God and helper to my husband. If on the inside I have a complete lack of RESPECT for my husband – no amount of submitting to his authority is going to really matter.
“…each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” (Ephesians 5:33)
If I do not respect him as a man, as my husband and as the father of our children then I can throw submission out the door.
I can say to his face that the choice is his as the head of our family, but behind his back and in my heart I can resent his leadership and second guess his choice. Just because I shut my mouth and go along with what he decides does not mean that my heart is one of respect.
I can say to all my girlfriends that I am in submission to my husband, but I can lack respect when I submit kicking and screaming and begrudgingly.
My own husband is a leader – a supervisor in his job. But not necessarily a born leader in our home. He has had to learn how to lead. He is a patient, restrained man. As a dynamic personality and take over charge woman I have had to learn how to offer him my respect and restrain my flailing overbearing tendency to take the lead when it is not my place. I learned a long time ago that he does not respond positively to: silence, manipulation, nagging, whining or fits of temper. None of these ploys to undermine his authority or leadership in our marriage or home… get us very far.
The truth is when I respect his position and value his authority as my husband following his leading comes from a place of joy and peace, not resentment. When I respect him I have no desire to manipulate, control or nag him to death.
You can easily tell the couples in the grocery store who have lost all respect for one another. They can not hold it together for one moment. They are at each other with sighs and groans, eye rolls, hissy fits and that all too common form of emotional abuse known as silence. They do this all within the watchful gaze of their children.
You can submit to your husband on the outside… while in your heart lack respect for him as a man.
Jessica is a wife to Mr. Hubby and homeschooling mother to four children living in the Washington, D.C. area. She can be found writing on her blog, Jezamama.
You hit the nail on the head.
You hit the nail on the head JK.
I also have a ‘take charge’ personality. And my husband is more laid back. It’s hard sometimes to fight the urge to step up…over the years, you get better at it though LOL
I agree Sonita. If you aren’t good at stepping back – it is something that you can learn with time. It does not necessarily get easier, but it can be something that you are better able to see and understand.
Great post. I completely agree. Following is not my natural bent, either, and I am thankful for God’s grace and patience with me- my husband’s too!
I’ve been meaning to hop over for quite some time and thank you for following Olive Plants. It’s been a busy season so I’ve not be on top of things. You have a great blog!
Dawn, I don’t know many women that are naturally good at following
But we can learn and God is more than patient to teach us.
Thank you for your encouragment.
J.
You’ve bring out a powerful concept rarely discussed – the difference between tolerance via lip-service and actual respect.
Lipservice in marriage… kinda resembles our lipservice to God doesn’t it?
Oh miss J, your words convict. You wrote about me and my man… every little bit. Thank you for not straying from God’s Word and for not simply making this a feel-good piece, but a Truth-filled nugget of godly wisdom.
Blessings.
Darlene, Me too. The hardest part about writing is that most often I am just describing my own stumblings. How I wish I could say that I haven’t learned this lesson the hard way.
Thanks for hopping over here.
So glad to see your face.
J.
Like I just wrote on FB when sharing this post, This is a hard truth, and I want to argue, but I just can’t. This is the truth. It’s like this post was written after you hung out here inside my brain for a while. I selectively turn over the reigns, but often do not do it with pure and respectful intent.
Thank you for your conviction to the truth straight from the Word of God. Need to sit with this for a while.
I want to argue too!! Marriage is one of those battlefields where we learn so much – but how often I am prone to kick and scream and argue because my truth hurts.
I feel your pain, Sally.
I write this because man I have walked it.
J.
Well said Jessica! I have had to learn in our marriage to step back. My husband is a great leader, he is just really laid back, while I am a “take charge” person. Thank you for this post!
Laid back… sounds like my man too.
It’s difficult when they react and process and proceed so differently. When I want to jump and get it done and be on the way already. But respecting his way of doing things often keeps our home a little more peaceful, a little less crazy lady and better then if I insisted on my way.
Stepping back… that’s good advice.
Thank you, Joy.